One of the most frustrating chores for men is finding an appropriate greeting card. While shopping for an anniversary card for my wife several weeks ago (which was challenging enough) I was also looking for a “thinking of you” card for a family friend who is recovering from a serious illness.

If this “thinking of you” card had been only from my wife there was a wide selection. Since it was from both of us, however, I didn’t want my name on some syrupy verse written by someone who spends far too much time watching the Hallmark channel.

Someday a greeting card publisher will get smart and create a line of greeting cards for purchase by men. Even the artwork will reflect a more masculine attitude.

Imagine a birthday card for an old buddy that reads, “You know, when we were kids and driving our cars like crazed demons I honestly didn’t think either us would make it this long. Happy Birthday to you and congratulations to both of us.”

A get-well card for a man might read, “Okay, we all know you’re playing this for all it’s worth. Your wife is about ready to throw your whiney butt out of the house. Quit moaning and groaning and get better soon.” 

See? That’s how guys talk. We don’t go for that “a little birdie told me you weren’t feeling well” stuff.

With a little creativity, man-to-man greeting cards could be designed for every occasion. Imagine a “congratulations on your promotion” card written by men for men.  “So how many backsides did you have to kiss to get this cushy position? I hope it was worth it! Best wishes.”

My daughter worked at a Hallmark Store when she was in college. She observed that many men would come into the store shortly before closing time on Valentine’s Day and grab one of the large cards at the top of the rack without even reading it. Big and lacy meant it had to be good. 

I have spent a great deal of time over the years reading Valentine cards trying to find one that said exactly what my heart felt. Frankly, a big lacy card would probably have done just as well.

Valentine cards written by men for purchase by men to give to their sweethearts would solve a lot of problems. Imagine these Valentine cards:

“If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together. Happy Valentines Day, Hot Lips!”

“If you were a new sandwich at McDonald’s, you’d be called McGorgeous. And for your Valentines Day gift I’m taking you out to McDonald’s for dinner tonight.”

“For Valetine’s Day I bought you a slinky nightie at Victoria’s Secret. I hope there will be something in it for me!”

Now tell me what woman wouldn’t appreciate a meaningful Valentine like that?

Might I be so bold as to suggest that men may consider giving a Valentine to a buddy if the sentiments were written appropriately? Imagine man-to-man Valentines like:

“Remember that cute little girl we both liked in second grade? She kissed me in first grade and thought you were a nerd.”

“Roses are red, violets are blue; I can’t believe I’m spending $4.95 on you.” 

See, this is how guys express affection for their buddies. Are you listening Hallmark?

Guys might also exchange Christmas cards if they were written appropriately. Imagine a Christmas card which reads:

“Just as the Three Wisemen brought gifts to Bethlehem, I’m waiting for just one dummy like you to bring me three gifts for Christmas.”

“To my good buddy who is built like Santa, smells like Rudolph and is certainly not a Wise Man Merry Christmas.”

There are sympathy cards nowadays for someone who has lost a pet. Imagine a man-to-man card: “Sorry to hear about Rover. Take comfort in the assurance he’s having a good time marking his territory in Doggy Paradise.”

There’s a fortune waiting for someone who will pick up the ball and run with these ideas. Maybe I ought to get into the business. I could use some extra retirement income.

Look on the back of the card for “Huismark  when you don’t care what they think.”